singing butt naked

I’ve stripped right down to nothing but a novelty thong in a room with over 400 people for charity and it still doesn’t compare to how naked you feel when you’re performing your own songs. I relived that bare-assed experience when I performed a Work in Progress set on February 7th in Studio de Bakkerij (or Studio the Bakery in english). As frightening a moment it was to endure it was equally as glorifying because I performed 12 songs in total and 9 out of those 12 songs were originals. This was a first for me. To perform over an hour's worth of original music. It was a litmus test to see how a lot of the songs transferred across from the studio into a live setting and it’s safe to say from the reactions on the night that they moved across rather well. Another enjoyable thing about both the process leading up to the gig and the performance itself is that between myself and Niels Onstenk, the producer of the songs (and my roommate), we’ve managed to find the finishing touches for some songs while finding completely new structures and sounds for others. A notable mention for my guests Kevin Bokomo, Razana, and Mirdjo who brought their own unique flavours to the night and each blew their own portions of the roof off! This isn’t the first time I’ve performed a set of original songs but it’s the first time I’ve performed a set of my own works where I’ve felt from beforehand that I am convinced that all of these songs will work. They’ll all be enjoyed. That they all represent the broad spectrum of both my personality and diversity in musical genres. They’re a showcase of my musical upbringing and my journey through my adult life. These songs are the songs that will open doors where other songsI’ve written wouldn’t. I’m at a point now where I’m getting closer to transcribing; my truth, my perspective of the world, life and love into honest songs with the help of the musicians I surround myself with. My direction is becoming clearer. My vision of how I perceive my sound is becoming easier to translate to my colleagues in music. This is the way of moving and communicating my self-expression that I was dreaming of three years ago when I left my job and I was in self-imposed social exile, self-isolating in anxiety. Two things come to mind when I think of what I credit my progress to and it’s 1) undergoing Energy Clearing therapy using The Spiral method and 2) surrounding myself with honest people. 

Had I been recommended Energy Healing or Energy Clearing therapy at the start of my twenties I would’ve dismissed it as hippie bullshit at the first uttering of the word ‘chakras’ but last year I was in a different, more open mindset than my younger, slightly more stubborn self. Last year I was at a point mentally where I was good but I was unsettled at the thought of falling into familiar patterns that I’d seen from my late teens to the present day. The buck had to stop here. Going into the meditative state for this type of therapy was akin to the experiences I had with hypnotherapy wherein the visualisations I had were so clear it was like I had a VR headset on. The major issues to tackle were procrastination and anxiety. And once we’d started to work on them in the sessions and I allowed myself to let go of them I felt great…but only for a little while. The following days were followed with this sense of uneasiness that I couldn’t understand until I called the therapist, Yasmina, about it and she explained to me that this discomfort was my body and mind having to adjust to the loss of a boulder of shame I’d been dragging around with me unbeknownst for years. To be walking around so freely without it was a shock to my system that I would quickly adjust to and come to realise that I’d been sluggishly walking around with a suit of lead on but now I could run without carrying the weight of it and was a little nauseous and disoriented at how fast I could now move through life. Once we cleared the negative emotions we shifted the focus of the last few sessions on using therapy to develop a positive mental inventory with one of the key elements being the power of manifestation, something I'd struggled with. Both that and visualisation were tricky for me to comprehend until Yasmina explained to me that they’re just synonyms for imagination. Using your imagination to project a future self. Once that clicked I started to imagine how I would sound, look, move on stage and in the studio. With this newfound outlook I was able to focus on what exactly is my sound, what is it I want to write about and in what styles of music do I want to represent my writing with. The path forward became clear.

The second factor I attribute to my growth is the honest people I surround myself with. And if I’m to be honest, I need to credit myself for putting myself forward for their honesty because the old saying is true, the truth hurts. And when you’re being critiqued on something you love doing it hurts even more but you have two choices; dismiss the criticism and carry on like a narcissist in a business as usual my way or the highway approach, or, you digest the criticism and let it settle to the point that the core of the message you’ve been given is understood and acted upon. Dismiss the latter for the former and you’re sure to stay the same or get worse.Especially if you respect the people you’re getting your advice from. I have great respect for the people I choose to listen to because they’ve exposed me to what I call positive rejection. Not afraid to tell you what you’re doing isn’t working or true to who you are in the hope you take what they say, reflect and adapt to become better. In my former Vocal Coach, Marjorie Barnes, my close friends and roommates, Kevin and Niels, and my Mother I have the fortune of having these people in my life who are not afraid to deliver statements that can knock your emotional house down but they do so so they can show you how to build it back up better. It’s up to you to rebuild it though. They all pose the hard questions to me in order for me look in the mirror and ensure that I'm looking at my own reflection, that I’m true to myself in all walks of life. Through this I can make progress when I know each step I take is taken firmly in my own shoes. The greatest gift I have is the ability to be myself but I wouldn’t be able to be myself if it wasn’t for the people around me who allow and elevate me to do so.